She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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