Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
