So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
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