I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
