Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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