I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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