I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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