my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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