the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
