There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
