I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
