I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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