I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The best revenge is premature balding
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
