Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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