You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I wish there were birth control emojis
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
