i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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