after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
