I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
