Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
