How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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