This is not my ceiling
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When did angry sex become our thing?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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