i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
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I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
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I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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