this beer tastes like vomit already
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
