what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
