Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
