My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
