Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
