just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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