Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
