Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
