Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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