i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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