alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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