You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
