I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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