I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
