never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
