we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
