Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
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You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
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SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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