I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
