So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
