He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
