What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
