you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
