at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
