im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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