omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
