Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
No more Irish car bombs ever.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
