What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
