I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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