Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
