I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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