If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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