Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
