Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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