I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
