i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
