i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
