just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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