I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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