At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize