running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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