i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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